BACHELORS DEGREE I AM NO LONGER IN YOU! My work here is done.

I PASSED!!!!

No more sweating Statistics and Research II. I passed! I even passed with a C+. I never thought I'd be so stoked about a C but I totally am. Now I can relax a little. I have 6 more classes to go but they aren't Statistics and Research!

To pass or not to pass... that is the question..

The semester ended yesterday. I am stressing hard about Statistics and Research. I got a B in Statistics and Research 1, but I don’t know if I will be so lucky in Statistics and Research 2. Honestly I am hoping I pull out a C. That will be a damn miracle. Grades come out Wednesday. I will be super stressed until then.

I know I shouldn’t stress about it. It is what it is. I cannot change the grade at this point in the game. Why stress? Stress does me no good at all. None. But I am not so stressed about the grade itself – the grade is just the factor. I am stressed about knowing whether or not I have to repeat it. Of course I am really hoping I passed with a C and can continue moving along. But if I didn’t get atleast a C.. I will have to retake it. It is taught once a year. That means next year. Ugh. It would so delay my graduation. That is why I am stressed. I need to know the gameplan.

Anywho.. that’s my current issue. 

Nerd vs Geek – an internal conflict

The first thing I am is a writer. Basically it is write or die for me. Sometimes even interoffice memos become colored in floral adjectives and seasoned with spicy verbs.

Normally this pays off when I am trying to write a paper for college. The ability to bend words to my will can help me express knowledge of the material in ways that a rote memorization test simply can’t. If a class requires writing, I can pass it, and usually pass it well. (Unlike math which sucks my very will to live!) My GPA (3.45 currently) is very important to me so I work hard at college, which I attend full time while also working full time and being a single mom. Why yes, I am a fan of torture, thanks for asking!

Another talent/curse is that I can relate anything in the world to something geeky. I can find a way to make your spilled coffee relate to something Yoda said, or something Link fought in the Ocerena of time, or something Spock found on an away mission, or something Dumbledore told Harry in secret, etc etc etc.

What happens at times, though, is that my nerd self starts getting over run by my geek self. Last week I struggled hard. I even went public on Twitter and Facebook with my struggle. One of my classes this semester is Building a Sustainable Society – aka an environmental course. The topic at hand was a term paper on wildernesses that remain and how do we feel about their protection and destruction. Then we had to discuss any wilderness areas around us.

My first thought  (literally) was “Chocobo Forest!” At first I laughed at myself in a way of appreciation for my geeky humor. Then I started on a serious project. But the Chocobo Forest wouldn’t leave my brain. That’s when I hit the social networks. I really thought my interwebz people would remind my nerd side to take charge. I was so wrong. They fed the geek side. By the way, thanks for all the “Screw the grades, go for the geeky!” comments. You guys are the best enablers a girl ever had.  The struggle internally grew. Would my teacher appreciate some fictional world from Final Fantasy? What if I also included the Forest of Endor, or the Hundred Acre Wood, maybe the Forbidden Forest?? The possibilities were endless!

So was the risk of a B. Or worse.

In the end I stayed true to nerd and gave my very best and serious effort. (It paid off, I got a perfect 100% score.) Still, I couldn’t help but wonder if I would have still gotten a good grade if I included fictional places in a serious effort to explain why forests are needed.

I can’t help but wonder if my other nerdy/geeky friends find this conflict inside themselves as well. If so – what do you guys do about it? Which side wins?  

Buddha

My son is a self-proclaimed Buddhist. He declared this somewhere around the age of 10.

The University I am currently attending is a private University. It is also a Catholic university. I am not Catholic. (I’m not anything really. I’m a potpourri of many things.) We are required to take a religion course regardless of our major. Instead of all the Catholic classes I chose Eastern religions.

This class was as fun and enlightening as I imagined it would be. I loved so much about the course. But I have to be honest; it was also one of the harder courses I have taken. I am pulling an 83 right now. I am floored that I am making such a terrible B in the class. My final exam will make me or break me. If I get a C I will actually cry. A B makes me sad but not devastated. A B is really a fine grade all things considered. Still, I was so sure I would do better.

All in all I learned a lot and really feel more enlightened to so many things. A lot of the ways I had always felt about things are apparently not so isolated and weird – they actually mean something in other religions. It is a nice feeling.

Also, it helps me with Trey’s Buddhist life. He knew some basics when he declared this a year ago (two years ago almost?) but now I was able to say things like “Hey, did you know blah blah blah?” and we can talk about it. I even bought him a Buddhist statue. It is a healing Buddha (some of you know how disabling his allergies can be). (Side note:  I also bought him Tibetan healing beads made of yak bone – he said that’s as manly as a bracelet can be. Yak bone! And it looks really good on his wrist.)

I’ve always said my son was an old soul. He talks a lot and he is in so many ways a very typical 11 year old boy who is kicking in the door of being a 12 year old boy. But also, Trey is a wise soul. He has more patience (in some areas) than adults I know. His wisdom of friendship and life is often beyond my own understanding. Maybe he was a Buddhist in a previous life. (I have always believed in those, it just makes sense to me.)

What is the point of this post? A little whining about my grades (which I totally want to blame on a hardcore teacher {because he is insanely hard!}, but I know as a student it is ultimately my own actions that make the grades), an expression of my gladness to have learned that others do think the way I do, and also just to say that I am glad to understand this part of my son a little more. Overall, I think I just needed to make the end of that class something final. Working full time and going to University full time and trying to run a family as a single mom is a lot of damn work. A lot. Sometimes i just need a ritual ending. Maybe the end of each semester should result in a reflective post.

This is not a reflective post I suppose. It’s a bit self-indulgent to be relevant to anyone else. Still, it felt good to get these things written down. 

The dreaded math beast has been slain!

That’s right folks, I did it. I passed my last math class. I got a C. In any other class I would be very disappointed, but given the amount of times math has bested me – I envision the C as powerful as the A.

Math has been my nemesis for the duration of my college education. It reared its ugly head in the 4^th grade when we started fractions and it only tightened its grip on me from there. I struggled many times, I even drowned a few. Now, in this class, my last time being thrown into the ocean with sharks, I have made it safely to shore.

Not only is this a relief for me, but I feel stronger. No, I don’t feel stronger because I am finished.. I feel stronger because I can look back and say “I did it.” Nobody did it for me. I did that (with the help of a marvelous tutor I must admit). I was stronger and smarter than I feared I was. Math for me has been not only a challenge of the actual content, but a challenge of my own will to continue. Many times I threw my hands in the air and said I was done with college. “I am happy with my job, I aspire to be a novelist..so screw math.” But then ultimately the other voice would get louder. It was my Klingon voice reminding me that there is no honor in quitting. It was the voice reminding me that giving up was not an option for me. It reminded me that I could slay the math beast.

And slay it I did.

From here on out I focus on things in my field.  I am going into psychology. There are many opportunities to utilize this degree. I likely will not be a counselor or any sort. I will decide where to go later, but for now I am just glad to have those core classes over. Well, I have one more lit class, but otherwise I am done with cores.

Let’s see what happens next.   I’m excited for the next journey!