Statistically, a divorced person remarries within 3.5 years of the divorce. Next week makes 19 years for me.

Oops. 

Buddha

My son is a self-proclaimed Buddhist. He declared this somewhere around the age of 10.

The University I am currently attending is a private University. It is also a Catholic university. I am not Catholic. (I’m not anything really. I’m a potpourri of many things.) We are required to take a religion course regardless of our major. Instead of all the Catholic classes I chose Eastern religions.

This class was as fun and enlightening as I imagined it would be. I loved so much about the course. But I have to be honest; it was also one of the harder courses I have taken. I am pulling an 83 right now. I am floored that I am making such a terrible B in the class. My final exam will make me or break me. If I get a C I will actually cry. A B makes me sad but not devastated. A B is really a fine grade all things considered. Still, I was so sure I would do better.

All in all I learned a lot and really feel more enlightened to so many things. A lot of the ways I had always felt about things are apparently not so isolated and weird – they actually mean something in other religions. It is a nice feeling.

Also, it helps me with Trey’s Buddhist life. He knew some basics when he declared this a year ago (two years ago almost?) but now I was able to say things like “Hey, did you know blah blah blah?” and we can talk about it. I even bought him a Buddhist statue. It is a healing Buddha (some of you know how disabling his allergies can be). (Side note:  I also bought him Tibetan healing beads made of yak bone – he said that’s as manly as a bracelet can be. Yak bone! And it looks really good on his wrist.)

I’ve always said my son was an old soul. He talks a lot and he is in so many ways a very typical 11 year old boy who is kicking in the door of being a 12 year old boy. But also, Trey is a wise soul. He has more patience (in some areas) than adults I know. His wisdom of friendship and life is often beyond my own understanding. Maybe he was a Buddhist in a previous life. (I have always believed in those, it just makes sense to me.)

What is the point of this post? A little whining about my grades (which I totally want to blame on a hardcore teacher {because he is insanely hard!}, but I know as a student it is ultimately my own actions that make the grades), an expression of my gladness to have learned that others do think the way I do, and also just to say that I am glad to understand this part of my son a little more. Overall, I think I just needed to make the end of that class something final. Working full time and going to University full time and trying to run a family as a single mom is a lot of damn work. A lot. Sometimes i just need a ritual ending. Maybe the end of each semester should result in a reflective post.

This is not a reflective post I suppose. It’s a bit self-indulgent to be relevant to anyone else. Still, it felt good to get these things written down. 

It was beautiful while it lasted–eh, sorta.

I first laid eyes on her while on a business trip to Pepsicola, or as others call it, Pensacola. I was looking for just her type. And there she was.Beautiful to the eyes. Cool against my fingertips.  Alone. And on sale.

My dear HP dv6 is now on its way to the great hard drive in the sky. She is about 3 1/2 years old but her time has come. I have used her more than she probably ever bargained for when I brought her home. But we had a good time together.

Except.

She has major power issues. Many of you know I am on my 3rd power cord with her. Even plugged in her battery wont go over 58-65% charge. If I unplug her she lasts roughly 20 minutes. That’s no life for a laptop.
Still, I carried on. I refused to give up.

Last week though… last week she gave up on me. She runs hot to the touch. Not just her battery parts, almost all her parts. Also, her battery is run down that she warns me every time at start-up that she might not even run ever again at all.

I gave in. I replaced her. Tonight my new laptop arrived. I pulled all the data from her and am moving it onto the new one. Tonight, my 3.5 year companion will be reset to factory standards, not even a single trace left behind. Then, she will be crushed and sent away.

A bright pink replacement has come into my life and I will devote as much attention and love to it. I even bought a case, something I never did for the other one. But the new one.. she will be housed in a Hello Kitty weatherproof protector. I anticipate many happy years together.

Don't give the squirrel Pepsi!

Sometimes I journal in my head while driving “I’ve got to open this next blog with ‘Trust me when I say don’t give the squirrels Pepsi.’ Because they HAVE to know how bad that idea is after what happened in the back yard.” And I write it all out in my head.

Then I get home. Dinner. Homework. Big Bang Theory. More homework. Shower. Read myself to almost asleep “CRAP! I didn’t journal about the squirrel! I’ll do it tomorrow.” Fall asleep. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

The problem with not blogging (or as it was called in the old-school days – journaling) in a while is that there is this need to make excuses. “Sorry everyone. I’ve been up to my eyebrows in homework.” Or  “So much over time. I didn’t mean to neglect you all for so long.” The list goes on and on.

I used to be one of the people who felt the need to explain to the world why I haven’t journaled in 5 weeks. I quit doing that (most of the time). I still apologize sometimes, but mostly I decided it was not required. I should never feel obligated to update a journal (aka blog). It is there for me to say things I want to say when I want to say them.

Now, if this were my profession or if I were heavily networking then I would A) blog more regularly or B) when I did miss a week I would try to offer something in exchange for my absence. Neither of those apply.

I know some of you don’t know me personally outside of the cyber world so you are here because you are genuinely interested in something I have to offer (Spazzing out in excitement over the newest Star Wars announcement? Photos of my Spiderman bathroom? My Pepsi addiction?). I freakin love you guys for being here! I’m just a big geek girl like any other. Your dedication means a ton. I feel like I do owe you guys something more regularly. I am assuming (if you are still reading) that you know I am not a regular journaler. I seem to be feast of famine here. Blog blog blog blog.. silence. Silence. More silence. Blog blog blog!

At any rate. Thank you all for your patience. Lazy bloggers need love too. Thank you guys for the love you show me.

How about my fellow journalers/bloggers? Do you guys apologize for being absent??

(And incase you wondered. Yes, I blog/journal in many places. Often these entries are written and then posted several places. Live Journal, Blogspot, sometimes Facebook, sometimes Gaia, sometimes my other Live Journal, sometimes TheOtaku, sometimes DeviantArt. I’m everywhere.)

About my hearing issues..

After all these decades I have answers. So dear Dragon*con friends (and other friends who deal with me in places of non-quiet)- maybe you will forgive me when you have to repeat yourselves 30 times.

I have to admit, I didn't know other people didn't have the problems I have. I thought a lot of my "problems" were normal. I only recently found out that other people don't hear the way I do. How surprising for me! But now that I know what's wrong, I know I can work actively to try and create situations where my issues can be overcome and handled properly. My hopes are that this will create a better hearing life for me. My doctor told me I am working too hard to communicate. I honestly thought everyone worked that hard. I just wanted a hearing aid. But it is far more than my physical ear that is the issue. Who knew. 


I drew a little comic to try and explain the problem. It is much more complicated than I can explain, but it should help give you the general idea. Read the description and then read the comic - it makes more sense in that order. 

Passions vs Paychecks

I have come to enjoy the luxuries in life such as food, electricity, running water, the interwebz.. and of course I need a roof over my head to have these things. In order to have the roof over my head I need a paycheck. That means a job.

I love my job. Let’s be honest here – I have worked many many jobs in my life and this is really the only one where I didn’t dread dragging out of bed at 6:05 in the morning. I sometimes even look forward to going back to work after the weekend is over. I truly and honestly adore my job. It pays the bills so I try not to whine about salary. I come home happy at night and we have plenty to eat – a lot of people are not as lucky as I am.

Still, there is something else in me that itches to get out. My passion for writing. I AM a writer. I am constantly writing – even if it’s just in my head. See me staring out the window looking like Homer Simpson? I’m working on the novel right up there in the ole noggin. My mind is NEVER quiet. Well, it was quiet for about 20ish minutes on that cruise I took last week but that’s a teeny teeny part of a 4 day “relaxing” cruise. My mind is too loud for relaxing.

When I do have time to let my brain free onto paper I will find myself in any number of lands with any number of people. Basically, it’s write or die.

Being a full time student again (gotta get that Masters degree!) and a full time employee has really put a damper in my writing time. I still have some, but not nearly as much as I wish I did. I enjoy learning in these classes, and let’s be honest about me.. I just love learning. I would be a full time student if I could get paid for it. But it’s really cutting into my writing time. Most people whine about their social life suffering. Lucky for me my social life doesn’t exist. But my starving novelist life does.

Some people risk it all and run off to Hollywood with $28 and the clothes in their backpack hoping to make it. Some people do. Most of them don’t. I can’t run off to Scholastic Press and camp out hoping some agent will hear my thoughts and sign me up to write a novel.

So I plug along in the freetime I find. Write today, edit tomorrow, do nothing for 3 weeks because papers are due and an event is coming at work and whatever else life thing is happening – then I write again and don’t write again.. it’s a never ending cycle.

Some day I know I will finish an editing.. and then.. then I begin camping out and pimping my books all over town.

Women's History Month

Monday started Women’s History Month. Even in my own lifetime (40 years thank you) I have witnessed great moments in history for women. I remember the first female who made it to the final presidential election as a vice-Presidential candidate.  I saw the first American woman in space (1983 – Russia beat us with a woman in space by about 20 years). I have seen the rise of Oprah Winfrey first hand-ish.

As I organize my Quiz Show that I put on for the students in the college cafeteria (I also do this for Black History Month and Constitution Day) I remember all the various things that I didn’t see happen in my lifetime but that I have benefitted from greatly. I feel so fortunate to live in a time and country where women have so much more freedoms than we once had, and more than some women in other countries have in this present day.

I can wear pants. I can vote. I can own my own business. I can realize that I’ve been divorced almost 17 years and may never remarry – and I can be okay with that because in this place and time I can take care of myself.

Sure there are still battles women need to fight. Equal pay. The constant war over our own uterus. The ability to be as sexually active as a man and not be considered a slut. Etc. Etc.

Still, overall, I say we have come a long way and we are at a pretty damn good place now. I look forward to seeing more positive and exciting changes in my lifetime that will pave the way for my daughter and the rest of my coming bloodline.

On my way to the BA!

With the AA now behind me (thank you math god!) and the BA looking me dead in the face, I have to stay organized. I was generally a good student anyhow so this is not a new proclamation or anything, but with this semester I am undertaking a full course load on top of working a 40 hour workweek (and the kids and general life stuff). I cannot risk assignments slipping up on me. I spent a good portion of my morning searching for an ideal student academic planner. I have realized there really isn’t one. I have a planner on my desk I never used for work so I scooped it up to use for school.

The classes are interesting and I am enjoying them so far (day 3!) but they are extremely busy classes. Every single day I have something due. I may be able to take Sundays off, maybe. The structure of my university (so excited to be in a real university!) is 8 week courses instead of the traditional 16 weeks. So I have half the time to do just as much work. I like this process actually. Being busy keeps me focused. With no time to procrastinate then I can’t find a way to do so.

Two classes at a time, 8 weeks each. Then the very next day I start the next 8 weeks for the next two classes. This makes 12 credit hours in 16 weeks which is standard academic normality. At this rate (fall and spring) I will graduate spring of 2013. However, I am not a student who takes summers off unless it is because of financial reasons (financial aid can be tricky about summers). If I can get my courses covered financially I will go during the summers too and that will dramatically change my graduation date. I’ll know more on this later.

Side note: I wish I was sharing all this with Linda. I really wish her boyfriend hadn’t kicked me out of her life. I’m learning to live without her, but I miss her.

The dreaded math beast has been slain!

That’s right folks, I did it. I passed my last math class. I got a C. In any other class I would be very disappointed, but given the amount of times math has bested me – I envision the C as powerful as the A.

Math has been my nemesis for the duration of my college education. It reared its ugly head in the 4^th grade when we started fractions and it only tightened its grip on me from there. I struggled many times, I even drowned a few. Now, in this class, my last time being thrown into the ocean with sharks, I have made it safely to shore.

Not only is this a relief for me, but I feel stronger. No, I don’t feel stronger because I am finished.. I feel stronger because I can look back and say “I did it.” Nobody did it for me. I did that (with the help of a marvelous tutor I must admit). I was stronger and smarter than I feared I was. Math for me has been not only a challenge of the actual content, but a challenge of my own will to continue. Many times I threw my hands in the air and said I was done with college. “I am happy with my job, I aspire to be a novelist..so screw math.” But then ultimately the other voice would get louder. It was my Klingon voice reminding me that there is no honor in quitting. It was the voice reminding me that giving up was not an option for me. It reminded me that I could slay the math beast.

And slay it I did.

From here on out I focus on things in my field.  I am going into psychology. There are many opportunities to utilize this degree. I likely will not be a counselor or any sort. I will decide where to go later, but for now I am just glad to have those core classes over. Well, I have one more lit class, but otherwise I am done with cores.

Let’s see what happens next.   I’m excited for the next journey!

Universal languages

I’m a writer. It is the gift I was given and I am grateful for it. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Still, I have to wonder what I would do with a different talent: specifically music. When I was younger I chose music to listen to based on its lyrics (classical music is a whole other blog post). Lyrics to music drove me. I guess that comes from me being a writer. R&B, metal, and everything in-between (save for country – I could never get into that)..it all was good music to me if the lyrics were speaking to me.

Now that I am older, and living with less angst than a teenager, I haven’t paid attention to lyrics as much lately. What I have noticed is the music tone and the emotion of the singer. I say this because some of the music that drives me lately is not even in English (my only language unless you include Hawaiian pidgen). Daichi Miura has become the most played on my iTunes (or windows media music player at work). Some of his chorus is in English but mostly he sings in Japanese. I cannot get enough of him. His emotion speaks to me when his words cannot.

There are more examples of music not in my native language but I want to focus on Daichi here. The emotion itself gives some indication to the intention of the song. You can tell it is heartbreaking by the time he is half way through the first verse. He speaks to your heart without speaking to your linguistic skills.

As a writer I can’t do that. I have to speak your language for you to have any idea what I am trying to convey. But musicians, they have an entirely different canvas in which to paint you a picture of their message. I envy them a little.

I wouldn’t give up writing for anything, please do understand that. But still, I often wonder what I would do as a singer or a musician. I suppose if I sang as much as I write I would drive everyone around me a little insane. Yeah, writing is definitely for me.

goals

We all need them. I have many. Of course executing the goals are an entirely different thing.
Currently Takka City is a completed draft. I have worked on editing it several times. It is still in need of much editing. I even went so far as to rewrite it in first person from Theace’s perspective but it brought up far too many plot challenges. In the end I am staying with it as it is in 3rd person. Just - with more editing.

My goal is to have Takka City edited from start to finish by the time summer arrives. Will this happen? Who knows. What I do know is that sometimes my problem in life is lack of a deadline. I now have one.

Do you find lack of a deadline in your life (personal or professional) to be an issue?